Don't Go Breaking My Heart
by cordano-carby
Summary: Just uploaded chapter 2 (Carter's POV)- thanks for the reviews, everyone! Abby/Carter/Carby angst with a happy ending (always the best kind)- final scene of "The Advocate". Rating is just to be safe for brief language. Please read and review!
1. Abby's POV

Author's Note: I tried to keep this one short and sweet. I'm taking a break from my stand-alone series to bring you, yes, another stand-alone. It's pretty much what was going through Abby's mind (or, at least, what I think was going through Abby's mind) in the ending scene of "The Advocate." Please review, even if it's only to tell me how much it sucked- any feedback is helpful! Enjoy!  
  
Rated PG for mild language  
  
***  
  
I stood on the sidewalk, shivering slightly in the wind. He walked away. He finally walked away.  
  
I gave him every opportunity to leave. I told him that he didn't want to, shouldn't want to love me. That he shouldn't have to put up with all this crap, all the baggage I bring with me. Every other man I'd ever been with couldn't put up with it in the end. But Carter was different. I hadn't wanted to hurt him- that's why I tried to give him a way out. I love him too much to break his heart.  
  
But then why is my heart the one that's breaking?  
  
I guess I never thought that Carter would really leave. He was different than everyone else. He understood me. I thought he understood that when I told him to leave, I was really telling him that I needed him more than ever. But I guess I was wrong. 'Cause he's walking to his car, and I'm left standing on the sidewalk alone.  
  
I don't want to be standing on the sidewalk alone, I finally realize. So I turn and walk across the street. I don't even know where I'm going. Maybe I'll end up at the cafe where I'm supposed to be meeting my sponsor. Maybe I'll end up sitting at home alone with a beer.  
  
I'd wanted so badly to change. When I realized why Carter didn't propose, I wanted to change everything about me that wasn't perfect. I haven't smoked a cigarette in four days, and I haven't had a drink in over a week. And I can see why Carter might think that this is just my attempt at a quick fix. But it's not. I want to fix what I've broken, but I want to take my time and make sure I do it right. I really did wake up one morning to find that I hated myself.  
  
It was the morning after he realized I wasn't good enough. And I guess I'm really not.  
  
I've never fit in with his family. I'm never comfortable at those big fancy parties. Hell, I'm not even comfortable wearing a dress. My family is another problem altogether. Maggie and Eric will always come first in my life. They have to. If I don't watch out for them, no one will.  
  
But none of that matters now. Because I've lost him. I lost Carter.  
  
And what hurts the most is that I'm not just losing my boyfriend. I'm losing the best friend I ever had.  
  
Suddenly, I hear a car pull up behind me. It couldn't be him, I tell myself. He left, and he's not coming back. Don't get your hopes up.  
  
But I can't stop myself from turning around.  
  
A black Jeep is parked next to the sidewalk, and Carter is stepping out from the driver's seat. I can't believe it. Did he come back just to hurt me more? I hold my arms out, almost shrugging. I don't know what to think.  
  
Carter is walking towards me, slowly. Looking into his eyes, I don't see anger. I take a step towards him. Slowly, step by step, second by agonizing second, we come close. Now we're just inches apart.  
  
I lean forward, resting my head on his shoulder. The shoulder I've rested my head on so many times before. For a moment, I'm scared that he will push me away. But he wraps me up in those strong arms, hugging me tightly. I wrap my arms around him, and he lightly kisses my head. We stand there, just holding each other, for what seems like forever. I don't want it to ever end.  
  
Finally, Carter breaks away. He looks into my eyes, and I look back up at him.  
  
"I don't ever want to lose you, Abby."  
  
And in that moment, I know that I was right. Carter really is different than everybody else. He's not scared to love me, not scared to put himself out there, even if it means he might get hurt in the end. He's probably the only guy in the world who's strong enough to put up with me and my constant array of shit. And I have no idea what I would do without him.  
  
"Don't ever scare me like that again, Carter."  
  
Carter smiled. He wrapped his arm around my waist and led me to the car, opening the door for me. All that, and he's the perfect gentleman. I got into the car, and smiled.  
  
Right after our first kiss, Carter told me that we were gonna be okay. Now, we're ready to rebuild our relationship. As I watch Carter get into the Jeep, I know he had been right all along. We really are gonna be okay. It would take a lot of work, but we are gonna be okay.  
  
***  
  
Please review and tell me what you think! If this one goes over well, I'm thinking about writing a parallel from Carter's point of view, so please tell me if you liked it :)  
  
--Katie 


	2. Carter's POV

Author's note: Thanks to everyone who reviewed the first chapter- I really appreciate the feedback :) I was on a roll last night, so this is a parallel to the first chapter- the closing scene of "The Advocate" from Carter's point of view. Please read and review, I live for feedback!  
  
Enjoy!  
  
***  
  
"What do I have to say? What do I have to do to get through to you?"  
  
Abby looked back at me, not saying a word. I couldn't take it anymore. I tried to love her, I really did. But she didn't want me to. I know when I'm not wanted. So I walk away.  
  
And she doesn't come after me.  
  
I don't know why I expected her to. I mean, she kept trying to push me away, kept trying to make me break up with her. That's the problem with Abby. She's had such a rough life, so she puts up a wall to the rest of the world. On the outside, she seems tough, angry, unhappy, indifferent. Incapable of loving. But I know Abby. Behind that wall is a scared woman trying to deal with all the crap life throws at her. Someone who is capable of joking, of having fun, of being happy. Someone who wants -and needs- love.  
  
I walk to my car and get inside, out of the biting wind. I slam the door shut. I can't believe I just did that. I can't believe I just threw away the best thing that ever happened to me.  
  
Sure, being with Abby has been a challenge. Hell, just knowing Abby is a challenge sometimes. She's had to deal with so much shit over the years- her family, her failed marriage, her alcoholism- but then again, so have I. Abby is the only one who could ever understand my drug problem. She's the one who saved me from it in the first place. She's been inside addiction. She knows what it's about.  
  
And I know she loves me, even if she doesn't show it all the time. I know that every time she tries to push me away, she's only trying to protect me. She never wanted to break my heart.  
  
But even if she didn't mean to, my heart's breaking anyway.  
  
Maybe we were never right together in the first place. We come from two completely different worlds. She grew up with a single, bipolar mom who disappeared and was never on her meds. Abby never had much, but she managed to get by.  
  
And then there's me. I grew up with everything a kid could ever want. Clothes, toys, ponies- I got anything I asked for. But money was never enough for me. I wanted something more than money could buy. I wanted to help people, make a difference in their lives.  
  
Of course, there's the stuff we have in common. The painful pasts, the dysfunctional families, the addiction. The love for working in the ER.  
  
The love we have for each other.  
  
Why the hell did I walk away from her? I'm not just losing my girlfriend. I'm losing Abby- the best friend I ever had.  
  
Think about it, John. She's quitting smoking. She's trying to stop drinking. Yeah, so maybe she's doing it for you. Maybe she wants a quick fix. But does it matter anyway? She's changing. She's trying to stop doing the things that are hurting her and people around her.  
  
Including me.  
  
If she's doing it for me, does that make a difference? She's doing it. And maybe, just maybe, she's doing it for herself. Maybe this time it really will last. Crazier things have happened.  
  
So why not give her the benefit of the doubt?  
  
All of a sudden, I know what I have to do. I love Abby, just the way she is. If she changes, that's great. But I don't need her to change. Maybe now isn't the right time to propose, but it sure as hell isn't the right time to break up.  
  
I turn the key in the ignition, and the jeep starts. I drive the short distance to Abby. She's walking away. I get out of the car, ready to scream after her, when she turns around.  
  
She looks at me, and I look at her. She holds up her arms in a half-shrug, but she looks just like a scared little kid, looking for someone to hug. How could I ever leave her like this? I take a step towards her and pause. She takes a step towards me. Slowly, step by step, second by agonizing second, we come closer. Now we're just a step apart.  
  
I'm not quite sure what to do now. Do I say something? Do I hug her? Do we just stand here in silence? Abby answers the question for me when she puts her head on my shoulder. The shoulder she's cried on so many times before. I wrap my arms around her, and a second later, I feel her arms tighten around me. We stand there for what seems like forever, because it just seems right.  
  
Finally, I break away from the hug. Abby looks up at me, asking silent questions with her eyes. I look back at her, and for a moment, I can't get over just how beautiful she is, hair whipping in the wind and everything.  
  
"I don't ever want to lose you, Abby."  
  
There. I said it. I don't ever want to lose her. I could never walk away from her again. Whether she changes or not, I love her. I love Abby. Not just the good parts of Abby, but all of her- smoking, drinking, and bipolar relatives included. She understands me, and she loves me. Behind that wall, I know she loves me. I know she needs me.  
  
"Don't ever scare me like that again, Carter."  
  
And now I know for sure that she feels the same way. I smile and wrap my arm around her waist, leading her to the Jeep. I open the passenger door for her and she hops in. As I walk around the front of the car, I am suddenly reminded of our first kiss.  
  
She asked me if we were gonna be okay, and I told her that we would be. Of course, she was talking about the threat of smallpox, but now I realize that I told the truth about our relationship right at the beginning. It would take work, yes, but we could rebuild our relationship. We will be okay.  
  
We are gonna be okay.  
  
***  
  
Thanks for reading- and please don't forget to review, even if it's just to tell me how much it sucked. I appreciate constructive criticism just as much as the good reviews :) 


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